TheDanceofDeception:AGuidetoAuthenticityandTruth-TellinginWomen'sRelationships

When"TheDanceofDeception"waspublished,Lernerdiscoveredthatwomenwerenoteagertoidentifywiththesubject."Well,Idon'tdodeception"wasacommonresonse.Weall"dodeception,"oftenwiththeintentiontoprotectourselvesandtherelationshipswedependon."TheDanceofDeception"unravelstheways(andwhys)thatwomenshowthefalseandhidethereal--eventoourownselves.Weseehowrelationshipsareaffectedbylyingandfaking,bysilenceandpretendingandbybrave--butmisguided--effortstotellthetruth.Truth-tellingisattheheartofwhatismostcentralinwomen'slives.Itisatthefoundationofauthenticityandcreativity,intimacyandjoy.Yetinthenameof"honesty,"wecanbludgeoneachother.Wecanapproachadifficultissuewithsuchapoorsenseoftimingandtactthatwecanactuallyshutdownthelinesofcommunicationratherthanwideningthepathoftruth-telling.SometimesLerner'sadvicetakesasurprisingturn--forexample,whensheasksustoengageinaboldactofpretendinginordertodiscoversomething"morereal";orwhenshetellsusnottoparachutedownonourfamilytobringupa"hotissue"withoutlayingthenecessarygroundworkfirst.Whetherthesubjectisaffairs,familysecrets,sexualfakingorthechallengeof"beingoneself,"Lernerhelpsustodiscover,speakandliveourowntruths.