Nightlight: A Parody

AboutthreethingsIwasabsolutelycertain.First,Edwartwasmostlikelymysoulmate,maybe.Second,therewasavampirepartofhim–whichIassumedwaswildlyoutofhiscontrol–thatwantedmedead.Andthird,Iunconditionally,irrevocably,impenetrably,heterogeneously,gynecologically,anddisreputablywishedhehadkissedme.AndthusBelleGoosefallsinlovewiththemysteriousandsparklyEdwartMullenintheHarvardLampoon’shilarioussend-upofTwilight.Paleandklutzy,BellearrivesinSwitchblade,Oregonlookingforadventure,oratleastanundeadclassmate.ShesoondiscoversEdwart,asuper-hotcomputernerdwithzerointerestingirls.Afterwitnessinganumberofstrangeevents–Edwartleaveshistatertotsuntouchedatlunch!Edwartsavesherfromaflyingsnowball!–Bellehasadramaticrevelation:Edwartisavampire.ButhowcansheconvinceEdwarttobiteherandtransformherintohiseternalbride,especiallywhenheseemstofindgirlssorepulsive?Completewithromance,danger,insufficientparentalguardianship,creepystalker-likebehavior,andavampireprom,Nightlightistheuproarioustaleofavampire-obsessedgirl,lookingforloveinallthewrongplaces.